All is Forgiven, Bring on the Gifts!
by Phelan
Summary: The *REAL* apology of an author. Sappy emotional stuff, some humor.


Alright, it's about time I really did some good in the world of Gundam Wing and *truly* apologize to the characters I've taunted, teased, and otherwise harassed. This is also an apology in advance for all the stuff I'll be doing later... ^_^  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own Gundam Wing, Slayers, or the Dirty Pair's stuff. If I've left out anything, let me know before the blood-sucking vampires (read as lawyers) get me.  
  
*****************  
  
With a massive flash of green smoke, all the gundam pilots, Zechs, Noin, Une, Treize, Hilde, Relena, Dorothy, Howard, Catherine, Sally and the five scientists appear in the featureless white room.  
  
Duo: Oh, fu-  
  
Phelan: Hey guys! Just thought I'd bring you all here for another fic.  
  
Zechs: And what sick torture do you have in store for us this time?  
  
Phelan: Hey, did it ever occur to you that maybe I'm here to do you all a favor?  
  
Treize: After what happened to us in your first fic? You must be joking.  
  
Phelan: Fine, I guess I'll just get rid of all the gifts I was going to give you all.  
  
Duo(perking up): Gifts?! Where?  
  
Trowa: Bet it's another trick.  
  
Phelan: C'mon! Where's your faith in human nature?  
  
Heero: You're half-Mazoku, remember?  
  
Phelan: Oh, yeah. Alright, how about I swear on Shinigami's Braid that I'm not going to harm any of you, sound fair?  
  
Duo: Hell no! If you *do* hurt us, what happens to my braid?  
  
Phelan: Nothing, alright! If I harm *any* of you while in this fic, I will give each of you 24 hours that you may use to torture me in any way you choose. Though for Zechs and Treize, you've already used that up and then some, but I'll forget the whole thing ever happened. Deal?  
  
Quatre: Can we all discuss this in private?  
  
Phelan: Sure. Just knock when you're done.  
  
As Phelan vanishes, the assembled characters gather into a circle to discuss the proposition.  
  
Doctor J: Do you really think he'll let us torture him if he hurts us?  
  
Wufei: I think so. When Duo, Quatre, and myself were working for him, we were only threatened, but never really hurt.  
  
Duo: Hey! He did tug the braid, remember?  
  
Quatre: That was just to get your attention. Besides, I think I can agree to his terms.  
  
Heero: Oh? You trust his word that much?  
  
Treize: I do. Even though he publicly humiliated Zechs and myself, he never hurt us, and he didn't resist when we got him back.  
  
Une: I think that was more because he wasn't expecting you to go through with it.  
  
Noin: Well, I believe he will keep his word. Shall we vote?  
  
The group quickly determines that more than half will put their trust in the author, and the minority grudgingly accepts the decision. Their minds made up, they stomp on the floor of the FWR to get the attention of their host. Phelan makes his entrance, slowly rising out of a black hole in the floor.  
  
Relena: We agree. If you hurt any of us during this fic, we each get 24 hours of torturing you.  
  
Phelan: You have my word.  
  
Low rumbling of thunder can be heard as an author makes a promise to a group of characters. Everybody looks around as if expecting Phelan to begin performing some hideous action just to have fun. Phelan vanishes, then reappears with a large bag.  
  
Phelan: Since I haven't been a very nice author, I decided to give you all presents in an effort to smooth things out and start on the right foot. Who wants to go first?  
  
Duo looks at the others before stepping forward.  
  
Phelan: Figures. Alright Duo, here ya go.  
  
Pulling out a small black box, he hands it to the Braided One and waits. In the blink of an eye, the wrapping paper is shredded and the box opened. Duo's eyes grow large as he removes what appears to be a glass marble, streaks of black upon the surface.  
  
Phelan: Break it.  
  
Duo looks at it, shrugs, and hurls it to the ground. As the bead shatters against the ground, Duo's braid begins to shimmer, and Duo's eyes open wide in a panic.  
  
Phelan: Calm down, Duo. You'll never have to worry about split ends or gray hairs from now on. You *will* still have to worry about Chinese men chasing you with katanas, though.  
  
Duo pulls his braid over his shoulder and examines it, feeling a tiny electrical tingle as the magic goes to work. Then he looks up at the author and cracks a huge grin before facing the others.  
  
Duo: NEXT!!  
  
Heero, who really doesn't care one way or another, steps up and is handed a box, this one not wrapped. He opens his box, and tries to remove the item concealed within.  
  
Phelan: Don't bother, Heero. Not even you can move a beam sword. I had to put a piece of authorspace into that box to fit your gift into something you could carry. But I'll tell you that it's a beam sword like Epyon's, already configured to work with your Gundam.  
  
Heero just nods and sets it aside, waiting for the next person to receive their gift.  
  
Quatre steps forward, and is handed a box wrapped in glittering gold paper. Tipping it on its side, the blond pilot removes the tape and carefully slides the box out of the paper.  
  
Duo: That's not how you're supposed to open a gift! You're supposed to rip it open!  
  
Quatre: Is that a law?  
  
Duo: It is in my book.  
  
Phelan: Let him open it his own way.  
  
Opening the box, Quatre reaches in and pulls out a delicate vase, painted with ornate designs and apparently quite valuable.  
  
Quatre: What's this?  
  
Phelan: Well, it's pretty hard to get a gift for a multi-billionaire, so I figured I'd get something you can't buy. It's the cremated remains of your father, since you weren't able to give him a proper burial.  
  
Quatre manages to utter a quick "Thank you" before he is overcome with emotions. Looking into the author's eyes, he receives a nod from Phelan before vanishing.  
  
Phelan: I think it'd be a good idea for him to go home to mourn his loss. Think he'll be okay?  
  
Dorothy: I think so. I saw some of the pain in his eyes while we dueled on Libra.  
  
Everybody but Dorothy and Treize raises their normal eyebrows, Treize raises one of his. They all shake their heads, and Phelan asks for the next volunteer. Hilde steps forward, and is handed a box wrapped with purple paper so dark that it almost seems black. She follows in Duo's teachings, shredding the paper and opening the box to reveal her gift. Her brow furrows in puzzlement as she removes an oddly shaped belt.  
  
Phelan: It's a sort of protection spell I managed to create with a bit of Mazoku magic. It'll protect you, and only you, from harm. That way you can go with Duo on missions and he won't have to worry about you.  
  
Hilde loops the belt across her waist and dashes forward to hug the author before turning to face Duo.  
  
Hilde: Now you don't have an excuse to get mad at me if I tag along on your missions. Pretty cool, huh?  
  
Duo seems to sputter a bit, then smiles warmly at her before dragging her into a tight hug. With his face out of Hilde's view, he shoots Phelan a deathglare and mouths the words "Omae o Korosu." Phelan smirks and mouths back "Never," then flicks his gaze over to see if Heero has taken offense at Duo's copyright infringement. Heero is glaring at Duo, but reluctantly stops when he notices the disapproving look on the author's face.  
  
Phelan: Okay, show's over. Who's next?  
  
Zechs steps forward and is handed a silver box, which he opens at a leisurely pace. The box is opened, and pulls out what appears to be a watch. Putting it on his left wrist, he peers at it intently as he notices a strange series of holes on the side.  
  
Phelan: It's a normal watch, but it also has a fangirl alarm. If it detects a fangirl within a two-mile radius, it starts beeping. It can also create a smoke screen, in case you need an escape route. Are we even?  
  
Zechs nods, and activates the sensors. Nothing happens.  
  
Phelan: Don't worry, it won't go off when the one *you* love is near. I always knew I never had a shot at you, Lucrezia. He really does love you. And that takes care of my gift to you.  
  
Noin looks as if she's ready to explode, but settles for glomping Zechs instead. Over Noin's shoulder, Zechs give the author a half-hearted glare, but it fades into a smile. With that, an unholy noise rocks the entire FWR, a sound of torment and anguish never before heard.  
  
Everybody but Phelan shoot questioning looks at him as they try to stay on their feet.  
  
Phelan(raising his voice to be heard over the howling): I'm guessing that's the cries of all the fangirls that are witnessing the loss of their bishonen. They're going to mash me into a bloody pulp for this. Oh well, at least they can't kill me, since all their negative emotions keep me well fed. Didn't think that their cries would penetrate the room. Good thing they can't find us, or that watch of yours would be breaking windows for miles if it detected so many fangirls at once. Who's next?  
  
Wufei steps forward and receives his gift, wrapped in blue. He seems to test its weight before carefully opening it like Quatre. He pulls out a sword, a perfect match to, but shorter than, the one he constantly threatens Duo's braid with. He smiles, and slides it into his hammerspace compartment alongside its larger twin. As he does this, Phelan tosses a bundle of cloth to Wufei. He catches it, and pulls aside the fabric to reveal a pair of sheathes, one longer than the other. Then his eye catches on the emblems near the open ends of both sheathes. A tear rolls down his cheek, and he makes no move to brush it aside.  
  
Phelan: It took some searching, but I was finally able to track down your clan's symbol. I had a hell of a time finding a master swordsmith who would make a set missing the Katana, since they are supposed to be made at the same time. I take it the Wakizashi meets your approval?  
  
Wufei: Yes, it does. Since my colony was destroyed, I never had the chance to earn my short sword. This is for bringing peace to the earth, right?  
  
Phelan: Right. That's certainly a noble enough reason.  
  
Wufei pulls the short-sword back from hammerspace, gazes at it, and places it within the sheath, then does the same for his long-sword. Putting both back into hammerspace, he bows deeply and stays there until Phelan mirrors him. As Wufei rejoins the gathering, Sally Po comes forward, patting him on the back before heading to the author. He hands her a gift, a somewhat lighter shade of blue than Wufei's wrapping paper. She opens up her gift, and pulls out a chibi doll, which bears a striking resemblance to Wufei. She hugs it, and it begins to talk.  
  
Chibi doll: Sally, I love you.  
  
*squeeze*  
  
Chibi doll: I can't bear to be without you, Sally.  
  
*squeeze*  
  
Chibi Doll: Will you marry me, Sally?  
  
Sally snaps her head around to face Wufei, who is red with rage.  
  
Wufei: I never said any of those things! Phelan, what sort of joke is this?! KISAMAA!! INJUSTICE!!  
  
Phelan(with a sly smile on his face): Wufei, did you know you talk in your sleep?  
  
Sally's eyes light up as Wufei starts sputtering. She all but blasts him to the ground in a super-glomp.  
  
Sally: Ha! I always knew you were hiding it. Afraid to show your soft side?  
  
Wufei(still sputtering): Well, er, ah. (whispers something)  
  
Sally: What was that? I couldn't hear you.  
  
Wufei(bright red with embarrassment, bellows): Yes, I *love* you, baka onna! Are you satisfied?  
  
Sally: Completely.  
  
As Sally remains attached to Wufei, Howard steps up to bat. His gift is covered with Hawaiian wrapping paper, matching his ridiculous shirt. He opens his, and is rewarded with a very plain, conservative business suit.  
  
Howard: Huh? How'd you guess I was thinking of leaving the salvage business?  
  
Phelan: Sore wa himitsu desu! Besides, I'm an author, my powers are beyond your comprehension.  
  
Howard: Riiiiight. Thanks anyways.  
  
Phelan: No problem. Trowa, how about you get your gift now?  
  
The Silencer comes forward to accept a green box that rattles loudly, despite seeming very light. Like Wufei and Quatre, he carefully removes the wrapper and opens the box. He pulls out what appear to be several sheets of blackness, yet the rattle still comes from them.  
  
Phelan: Never seen a dimensional pocket before, huh? That rattle is from a rather large supply of ammunition for Heavyarms. I gave you enough of those pockets to fit in every ammo bay. The last time I checked, there was about a billion rounds in each pocket, and it keeps going up from there. Ya like?  
  
True to his nickname, Trowa merely smiles and nods, then puts the pockets back in the box for installation at a later date. Relena steps forward to claim her prize, and her eyes go wide as she sees the size of the box Phelan summons from authorspace. She practically leaps at it and destroys the packaging. The front of the box opens up towards Relena, revealing a person standing within the box. Relena's eyes bug out to ridiculous dimensions before she throws herself into the box and slams the lid shut. The box begins to tilt, but before it falls over, Phelan banishes it from the FWR.  
  
Phelan(shuddering): I created a clone of Heero, and even managed to recreate his personality down to the last detail, with *one* minor revision. The clone doesn't hate Relena, but considers her a friend. I'd consider this a bonus gift if I were you, Heero. You owe me *big* for pulling that off. Even the higher-up Mazoku were against it, claiming that I would be held responsible if Relena were ever to breed. Fortunately, I have some friends who specialize in genetics. That's not going to happen. Now that *that* is over and done with, who's next? Dorothy?  
  
Twigbrows, the sequel(always wanted to call her that), comes forward and receives a box wrapped in blood-red paper, which she promptly removes and discards. The box is opened, and she peers deep into the box.  
  
Phelan: Oh yeah, that's the holographic simulator system. I'll have it put into your mansion when you all leave. Basically, you can have a duel with any opponent, using virtually any weapon known to man. I "tweaked" it a little so that you'd be able to even have a mobile suit battle if you want. That oughta keep you busy for awhile.  
  
Dorothy gives a catlike grin and allows the next gift to be given. All five scientists step forward in their little group, and are handed an envelope. Master O takes it and opens the envelope, revealing what appears to be a check.  
  
Phelan: A small grant, to let you start researching whatever you want. And if Prof. J wants that mechanical claw replaced, I could replace it with a much more realistic alternative, with the same degree of finesse and control of a hand you were born with, but stronger.  
  
They all take a look at the number written on the slip of paper, counting the zeros and wondering if their eyes are failing.  
  
Phelan: Is that enough? I know research is expensive, but seven billion was all I could get together on such short notice.  
  
As everybody's jaws impact the ground, a smug Phelan pulls out another gift, this one for Catherine, based on its clown design wrapping paper.  
  
Phelan: Alright, enough gawking, people. I still have three gifts to hand out. Catherine?  
  
She steps forward, and numbly accepts the small box. Opening it, she removes a small metallic card.  
  
Catherine: What's this? It's a blank piece of metal.  
  
Phelan: Sort of. It's called a Bloody Card(tm), and it's a smart throwing weapon. Once you throw it, an electric current aligns the molecules along the edge, making it sharp enough to cut through just about anything you can name. And it can actually stay aloft for about two hours on its built in ion drive. The "smart" part about it is that it always returns to its owner, better than a boomerang. A friend managed to find one for me and bring it back from the future.  
  
Catherine is in awe, almost afraid to throw something so lethal. She simply pockets it and thanks the host.  
  
Phelan: Treize, I had to think this one through pretty carefully, but you'll like it.  
  
As he says this, he hands the former Oz leader a small packet. Somehow managing to open the present with the greatest of elegance and grace, Treize tips the package over and shakes a few seeds into his outstretched palm.  
  
Phelan: A new breed of roses, it is very resistant to aphids, stays in bloom longer than any other breed, and has a stronger aroma than most. It is a combination of at least seven different breeds, and took several years to become a reality. And since every species has a name, allow me to present the Khushrenada Rose.  
  
Reaching behind himself into authorspace, Phelan pulls a bouquet of the new roses and hands it to Treize. As His Excellency leans in to take a whiff, Phelan speaks quietly so that no-one else can hear.  
  
Phelan: I hid a remote control in here. It'll let you control when Une switches personalities. I modified her glasses while she was asleep. We're even now, got it?  
  
Treize nods, takes the flowers from Phelan, and lets Lady Une approach to receive her gifts. Both are small, identically sized but one is wrapped in a soft blue, while the other is a mismatched, sharp violet. Opening the blue one first, Lady Une finds a strange chain, made of three gold links. Opening the second box reveals a second chain, made of slightly larger and thicker golden bands.  
  
Phelan: One of those is for Treize.  
  
Holding up his hand, palm facing himself, Phelan twitches his ring finger and smiles. Une's eyes widen in happiness, Treize's widen in shock, before he catches himself and smiles warmly. Allowing Une to place the unusual engagement ring on his finger takes courage, but Treize manages to stay upright, with the reassurance of his roses, and the control hidden within. Shifting the roses to the crook of his arm, he takes the smaller ring and slips it onto Une's finger, then pulls a single rose from his bouquet. Offering it to her, she smiles, and both vanish as Phelan waves his hand.  
  
Phelan: We'll let them be. Now, am I forgiven?  
  
All the remaining guest smile and nod, before Phelan sends them back to their own world.  
  
Phelan: Whew, I didn't think I could do that. Can you let go of me now? That *does* get uncomfortable after awhile, ya know.  
  
Lina Inverse and Konoko appear in front of Phelan, while Xellos becomes visible behind the author, releasing his grasp and removing the end of his staff from Phelan's back.  
  
Phelan: Good grief, can't a guy be trusted?  
  
Xellos: Oh, please. Remember who you're talking to.  
  
Phelan: You have a point. I wouldn't trust you farther than I could throw a planet.  
  
Xellos: Exactly. I could tell you wanted to kill something the whole time I was here.  
  
Phelan: Only you and Relena; the rest I was glad to help. It's so much easier to pull the wool over someone's eyes if they think you're trustworthy.  
  
Konoko: Gee, I didn't see *that* coming.  
  
Lina: No kidding. He's almost as bad as the Trickster himself!  
  
Xellos: How true. Too bad Xelas ordered me to keep you in line, we could have had so much fun. Ah well, I must be leaving. ^_^  
  
Xellos vanishes.  
  
Lina: Now if you're all done, what about ending all this?  
  
Phelan: Alright. (takes a deep breath) EVERYBODY REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!!! I have a scythe and I know how to use it!! If a certain group of fangirls wants to kill me, please speak to the complaints department.  
  
Lina(creating a fireball in hand): That would be me. Questions?  
  
Konoko: Let's get outta here, I'm hungry and I haven't eaten yet.  
  
Lina: FOOD? LET'S GO!! 


End file.
